I am weird. I am not a perfect student. This weirdness and imperfection are strong facets of my personality. Everyone who knows me well sees that I have a little too much energy at times and tend to laugh at everything. From kindergarten to freshman year, people called me perfect, the Human Dictionary, and quiet. I was secretly insecure about my truly quirky personality, but shined through my athletics and my academic achievements. I appreciated the compliments of being called an exemplary student and intelligent, but felt pressure to be perfect all the time. I believed people only thought of me as an A+ spewing robot instead of a procrastinator who occasionally stays up 'till 1A.M. doing homework because of her addiction to YouTube food channels. Although this less complimentary perception of me was not exactly favorable, I wanted people to see me as the real person that I am, rather than an impeccable, meek student. However, people were not at fault for perceiving me in this way due to the fact that I was reserved, shy, secretly jealous, and afraid to make a mistake around my peers.
Starting seventh grade, I began tearing away at the veil of shyness, insecurity, and perfection. I engaged more with peers and started acting a little bit more like myself. Nonetheless, my remaining insecurity in my personality kept my infantile jealousy of other people's outfits or looks thriving like a parasite, and my shyness led me to only have one really close friend. Later, at the end of eighth grade, I tried out for the high school dance team. I was scared and did not want to try out, but my parents said they were making me go....They knew I secretly was dying to dance. Due to their nudge, I attended dance evaluations and was automatically accepted by the upperclassmen. I felt loved by people that I was honestly scared of when I was in lower and middle school. My freshman year, the superficial jealousy was eliminated, and people started jokingly calling me crazy and funny. I appreciated these comments more than people knew. I spoke to different, new people without inhibition. I let go of all the voices that used to scare me away from acting like the person I truly was.
As I approach college, I hope to continue to be outgoing. I want to pursue various clubs and meet new people. I wish to (as the cliche goes) "broaden my horizons." I know I am expected to succeed, but I do not feel the internal pressure that I used to feel to achieve perfection. I am determined to focus more on my happiness and friendships. I still feel like I discarded some childhood enjoyment for pursuit of academic perfection throughout the struggle of finding myself. I know am expected to do well but also enjoy my time in college. The latter statement is the most important because work will always be better if someone enjoys what they are doing. I refuse to be so deeply drowned in academia that I forget to act like myself and hide behind books. I made a silent vow to succeed and try hard but to also join various clubs. While I do not have to make a conscious effort to try academically, I do have to make an effort to try socially and ignore negative inhibitions. I am determined to pursue my interests freely and not feel restricted by fear of imperfection.
Great post, Lauren. You're exactly right that work is better when enjoyed. And, perfection is boring . . . and hard to sustain. Growth is where it's at, and it seems like you've come to understand and want that for yourself, which is a very good thing.
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