I'm More Than A Bulleted List

As I have matured into the upper-half of my high school career, it has come to my notice that I have become particularly close with a certain special friend of mine: my high school resume. Suddenly, it is no longer about what I want to do in my free time, the little I have left, but what activities I can pack into it in order to please my parents, have an excuse to miss church dinner sunday evening, or check off yet another extracurricular in the hopes of turning heads in the college admissions office. Sure, I may say that I enjoy “being busy.” I may say that I love taking five AP classes while participating in every extra-curricular activity this school has to offer. I may say that I relish volunteering weekday nights and captaining the dance team at the same time. However, is it really because I want to, or simply because I have never had it any other way?

The thought of leaving my high school resume of my identity behind next year terrifies me. I mean, forget having to deal with my own financials! Who am I supposed to be if not everything that my high school years have defined for me? I won’t be Eliana the NHS president. I won’t be Eliana the mock trial team member. I won’t be Eliana the-girl-who-came-from-Trinity-for-unclear-reasons-but-we-are-glad-to-have-her-anyway-I-hope. Who am I supposed to be? Now, don’t get me wrong. I absolutely enjoy the activities that I have had the opportunity of participating in during my junior and senior year, especially NHS which has become my child for the past summer, but it excites me to think that I get to shed off the expectations that have kept me a stressed out ball of energy for the past four years and begin to pursue those activities I want to do-not the ones others think I should want to do. While many of the bullet points on my resume actually do reflect my identity, I wonder just how much time I could have devoted to them had I learned to prioritize those activities among many less worthy of my attention and rid myself of the rigid resume-building mentality. 

At the end of the day, I will look back on my high school experience and remember not what my college wants me to remember, nor what my parents want me to remember, but what I want to remember-the moments in high school that made me happy. I will remember float-building sessions in my dad's garage and sneaking looks down the kick-line during our dance team’s half-time performance, because it is just so cool from that perspective. I will remember frantically prepping the dining tables with rose petals thirty minutes before the first guests entered the doors at prom. I will remember how awesome it felt to sit in the witness stand at Mock Trial Nationals. It is those moments that define who I am, not the cold indifferent words listed on my resume. Although I’m trepidatious to reach into the darkness of my future, the fact that I will get to pursue my own goals leaves me in optimistic anticipation. I  want to go to the college of my own choosing. I want to find my own identity. And right now, I think I want to read my book.